I wonder if this site comes off as male or female. Like, a year ago, it's something I would have never even thought about, I would have just done something I liked, but now I just keep wondering whether it's obvious which gender I was born with. I find comfort in neither by the way, lol. I've just never been conscious of the fact that I am anything but non-binary, without even knowing what being non-binary is. I do still wonder though, y'know, can people tell?
They obviously can in real life, I'm not really free with my self-expression like I'd like to be, but like, does my biological sex transcend even the online space? I'm not even a gender essentialist, but I feel like the rhetoric that has spawned out of the faux-scientific gender binary has been so wholly ingrained into both mine and greater society's concept of gender, that I find myself unable to trust that I'd be accepted as a non-binary person, even in a space where my biology literally cannot present itself automatically.
I suppose it's something most queer people go through at some point though, the feeling that you should try to express yourself, but that you would never be accepted as queer by other queer people, so you start fearing that the only thing you will have achieved by outing yourself is making an enemy out of most people (at least where I live), so what you end up doing instead is understanding that you yourself are probably queer, but that your experience isn't valid, that you are - somehow - undeserving of coming out and are cursed to spend your life playing the gender your sex gave you. This obviously does not result in a positive effect on your mental wellbeing.
I don't really know how to get over this feeling. I guess I have to fight it through by myself, a prospect in which I don't find much comfort, but it'll probably imbue me with a greater sense of pride by the end of it. I just hope it gets better at some point and that I might make some friends along the way.
As for this website, I'll mostly use it as a space to collect and go through my thoughts while also making a place for any hobbies I might pick up and any creative endeavours I might... endeavour. I'll also just put up things I like.
Now that I bring it up, I also feel weirdly anxious of talking earnestly about the things I like and I feel like it's partially the internets fault. I wish I could just like the things I like without them having to be niche or anything. Can't I just be an Oasis-head? Is it so wrong to love Paul McCartney's Wings? I do engage with a lot of unconventional media, but I just don't enjoy it in the same visceral, head-empty manner like I do these things; the sound and energy just hits different. Whatever.
That's it for today.
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